i don’t know how it all started.
i am trying to remember.
maybe it was that one time, or few times maybe? a friend points out the truth in my face, said “you are big”, i remember my blood flows just stop in my head. i stop what i did, i felt angry, and disappointed. angry as in ‘well, i am. yes. i knew it since i am kid. people told me that. parents told me that. i am trying to change it in my whole life, but i can’t and wow, thank you for point out the fact to me” and disappointed as in “you are supposed to be my friend, and why would you do that”
maybe it was my rock-headed personality, that second chances was something that doesn’t exist in my mind map. i can forgive but i can’t forget, and when i don’t forget that means the door will closed forever. no matter what, i won’t open it again. why you should open something that toxic for you? my logic said, therefore i am afraid it will gives me bad thoughts and in the end— i was blaming myself, and when i blame myself, devil knows what happen.
or one time when i trust someone too much
because i lived in my whole life believing that when you called someone a friend, you’re expect a sharing sessions of good and bad things— in transparent, reciprocity way. but i think i made mistake of thinking about that. it took me long time (and i still learn how to fix it), that people have time to open theirselves. even i can’t be open to myself.
or that many times i learned that life is just, life.
so i don’t have to blame everything to myself. so i can accept to myself that things are sometimes bound to happen.
and, it’s okay to be not okay.
it’s okay to say good things to yourself.
furthermore, it’s okay to be alone.
(because in the end you are going to die alone and oh dear, you gotta be strong and have a grip to yourself right)
the last sentence was the hardest to write.
you might see i am a pitiful person.
always thinking sad things, always drown in her own sadness, but please believe me that i am trying hard to recover, to have a fastest way to escape into this darkhole.
i will find my grip soon, slowly.
please believe me.
stay by my side.