no, i am not hating you.
i am hating my self.
i hate myself to be able to think about bad thoughts, to swear at myself with cursed words, and consciously accepted it that i am bad, with my own eyes.
i think i trust someone too much and it just feel so overwhelmed, but my thoughts, or this person i called monster, save me from the high. he keeps me low, he keeps me down and stick my feet on the ground. burned it so i just have to see straight to his face now “no need to see up again” he said. “you only have me”, he said again. “i understand you more than anyone else”, he kissed my forehead, and i nodded. i believe in him, the monster, the person on the back of my head, who i am not supposed to friend, but maybe this team we can make a peace together. and the good thing is, i know i can trust him.
was i a bad person, was i that not-worthy, was i a person who can’t shut its mouth, was i that kind of person who makes people uncomfortable, as people won’t trust me or talk to me at all.
don’t fucking tell me that i am a good one, because no one actually talk to me personally. don’t fucking do that. don’t. fucking. do. that. if i am unworthy, so please tell me so, so i can fucking change to be a better one. so i can stop my bad thoughts overflowing and sink deeper in my blood. please fucking tell me in the face if anything from me makes you uncomfortable. don’t fucking mock me behind, but do tell me in the face. please fucking help me out from this nonsense of self hating i fucking really hate myself right now i am actually clueless what should i do in this episode.
at this point i am so exhausted and suffocated. i just want to lay down for awhile and forget everything. maybe this is a good thing. maybe this is a good thing. just leave me suffer and rot. oh see you until the flower withers.
I am writing this in the purpose of cleansing my dark thoughts. you can see me as a pitiful person, but i do this to help myself. please trust me that i don’t do any harm to myself and i am trying my best to get myself back on track.