abstract a diary.

acids. 3.

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i don’t know how it all started.

i am trying to remember.

maybe it was that one time, or few times maybe? a friend points out the truth in my face, said “you are big”, i remember my blood flows just stop in my head. i stop what i did, i felt angry, and disappointed. angry as in ‘well, i am. yes. i knew it since i am kid. people told me that. parents told me that. i am trying to change it in my whole life, but i can’t and wow, thank you for point out the fact to me” and disappointed as in “you are supposed to be my friend, and why would you do that”

maybe it was my rock-headed personality, that second chances was something that doesn’t exist in my mind map. i can forgive but i can’t forget, and when i don’t forget that means the door will closed forever. no matter what, i won’t open it again. why you should open something that toxic for you? my logic said, therefore i am afraid it will gives me bad thoughts and in the end— i was blaming myself, and when i blame myself, devil knows what happen.

or one time when i trust someone too much

because i lived in my whole life believing that when you called someone a friend, you’re expect a sharing sessions of good and bad things— in transparent, reciprocity way. but i think i made mistake of thinking about that. it took me long time (and i still learn how to fix it), that people have time to open theirselves. even i can’t be open to myself.

or that many times i learned that life is just, life.

so i don’t have to blame everything to myself. so i can accept to myself that things are sometimes bound to happen.

and,

and, it’s okay to be not okay.

it’s okay to say good things to yourself.

furthermore, it’s okay to be alone.

(because in the end you are going to die alone and oh dear, you gotta be strong and have a grip to yourself right)

the last sentence was the hardest to write.

you might see i am a pitiful person.

always thinking sad things, always drown in her own sadness, but please believe me that i am trying hard to recover, to have a fastest way to escape into this darkhole.

i will find my grip soon, slowly.

please believe me.
stay by my side.

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acids. 2.

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no, i am not hating you.

and yes,

i am hating my self.

i hate myself to be able to think about bad thoughts, to swear at myself with cursed words, and consciously accepted it that i am bad, with my own eyes.

i think i trust someone too much and it just feel so overwhelmed, but my thoughts, or this person i called monster, save me from the high. he keeps me low, he keeps me down and stick my feet on the ground. burned it so i just have to see straight to his face now “no need to see up again” he said. “you only have me”, he said again. i understand you more than anyone else”, he kissed my forehead, and i nodded. i believe in him, the monster, the person on the back of my head, who i am not supposed to friend, but maybe this team we can make a peace together. and the good thing is, i know i can trust him.

was i a bad person, was i that not-worthy, was i a person who can’t shut its mouth, was i that kind of person who makes people uncomfortable, as people won’t trust me or talk to me at all.

don’t fucking tell me that i am a good one, because no one actually talk to me personally. don’t fucking do that.  don’t. fucking. do. that. if i am unworthy, so please tell me so, so i can fucking change to be a better one. so i can stop my bad thoughts overflowing and sink deeper in my blood. please fucking tell me in the face if anything from me makes you uncomfortable. don’t fucking mock me behind, but do tell me in the face. please fucking help me out from this nonsense of self hating i fucking really hate myself right now i am actually clueless what should i do in this episode.

at this point i am so exhausted and suffocated. i just want to lay down for awhile and forget everything. maybe this is a good thing. maybe this is a good thing. just leave me suffer and rot. oh see you until the flower withers.

I am writing this in the purpose of cleansing my dark thoughts. you can see me as a pitiful person, but i do this to help myself. please trust me that i don’t do any harm to myself and i am trying my best to get myself back on track. 

acids

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these days i think i have befriend again with monster who lived in the back of my head.

i almost forgot the he’s a shadow of me. i thought that he left me for long time, or maybe this is just his way to make me realize that i do need him. someone who didn’t assume and talk shit in the back of my head, crashing all the judgement and assumptions wall, he will stitches you mouth and force you talk behind your head, and cancels all the noise so you will only with him.

but maybe, and i just realized it now, maybe, he saves you for good.

he saves you for your jumbling thoughts. he wants you to prepare for the worst, prepare for something that you’ll always afraid of, to accept your nightmare that comes reality. to fucking believe that everything you want is just a mere utopia. too far to reach, to impossible to imagine, to naive to dream about.

the ups and downs that come into me more often recently and trust issues i had these days made me realize that, in the end, probably it will only you and you alone. and you gotta be strong. you gotta be prepare.

no one will saves you,
no one loves you anyway,
but at least you gotta, at the very least, like yourself,

right?

#16 I’ll send my condolence to fear.

I was not exactly want to do this.

Well, actually I want to, at first, but it’s been 14 days after I changed my desk calendar into 2016. It’s too late, I think. Then yesterday I found out Tobias’ entry that said, “I mostly write this for myself, so I can look back at it next year again — You might do the same.”

Write for myself, I murmured. He got the point there, the reason that I write is for myself and so I can review it back in next years.

This might be not bad, I thought.

.

Last January 2015 I wrote this on my instagram,

Screen Shot 2015-12-31 at 10.03.10 PM

To be honest my 2016 wish was not really much different than previous one. 2014 was.. glorious experience. It was my first year working in ad agency and involved in creative industry that I always dreamed of. My biggest achievement during my twenty-five years life was marked there, I was be able to received my first national advertising award with the help of great mentor and team. Which I never thought before of course, that I could do something like receiving a national advertising award? a fresh born like me? and to be honest, I am still dumbfounded until now

Because I always be that so-so girl.

Bad at math, good at arts. Lazy and unproductive. A Procrastinator.

I don’t exactly know how to find good deeds on my own because my world is always circled around me, and what I always found is myself that always need to be improved and still, it is always not enough.

You don’t work that harder. You don’t learn more. You’re basically stuck and the rest of the time are spent to gather your willing to start moving your butt on. 2015, just like my instagram said, it’s a huge battle for myself and the world.

2015 was the year of ups and downs.

I was at my lowest point.

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#15 the most beautiful moment in life

 

 

the album title was catchy enough to catch my attention. being in kpop fandom for so long, i’ve been used to short, unique, the album title like bts’ o!rul8,2? or exo’s XOXO, but this bts new album was different. i’ve been a fan of the group since their debut and they always have this strong youth feeling and i never thought they will release something with a sweet title like that.

the part 1 of the most beautiful moment in life series also released in spring, which most of kpop groups are releasing love songs to celebrate the change of season when the flowers bloom and the weather is in fine temperature; not too chilly and the ray of sunshine start to peak. april is also well known as a beginning of the new semester in japan, which is a new start for students and a new path for the rest.

so, when i need u music video released with heavy angst theme, i wonder what exactly the group want to convey.

rap monster (it’s a stage name of bts’ rapper kim namjoon) said what the group wants to potray is the two side coin of life. when you’re having dark times, there’s always an opposite—a beautiful side, a lesson that you can always learn and look up to or, as quoted by bts’ suga in his own produced song, tomorrow, ‘because the dawn right before the sun rises is the darkest’.

this album seems to embrace that concept, to let go the past and start a new journey. a contrast, yet beautiful concept album to release in spring.

the boys have been debuted for 2 years (and been living together in a total of 3 to 4 years) to be familiar of this idea. the idea and conception of calculating goods and bads, to face big decisions, to learn the uncertainty of future, and starts building it from hard work and sacrifices.

so when the album come out, i can’t help to feel that this is so related. at that time (and many times), i have a lot of decisions to make, that i know these decisions will lead me to restless days of overthinking thoughts of not to fail at things.

 

and as the time goes, i keep wondering, what is ‘the most beautiful moment in life’ and ‘the dark side’ that comes from its opposite actually?

 

 

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#14 acids and bitter

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it all started with the routines. i finished my work at office and drive through home for an hour. as usual, along that an hour of journey, i often resist my self to not to cry and begin to count every little happiness i found today; so i could make the day less bitter.

i contemplate my self, others, and other imaginable things that i couldn’t event can comprehend. i was alone in that car, only accompanied by soft tunes from my ipod. alone and content.

sometimes i wonder what i’ve done or what getting myself into. why i should be here, stuck in endless everyday traffic, resisting to not to swear and learn how to take a deep deep breath every time i drive. sometimes i wonder too, what makes me stay. is there places that i could escape, although i thought i already tried a lot of ‘escaping methods’, but there is still this hollow feeling exist that won’t be gone unless you do something. but what is ‘something’ exactly?

what else, what are the things that will happen in an hour span of time. i could meet another traffic, i could have a car crash, i could have the free road. no one knows.

thought my end of the day was the time when i turn my car engine on.  but then, when i arrived home i never thought i still need to count that little happiness. my day won’t end when i left my car and step into the house. i still have this crumble of acid and bitter left from the overthinking self, from worrying too much of everything else, from forecasting the future (what is future, just what?). so i made myself exhausted by the thinkings, and the cycles continue days and days after.

but slowly i learned that universe has its way to get you surprised. a simple of affection from someone close to you or someone that you never expected too. 

my brother had received an unexpected thank you from his high school friend, thanking him for being there in his life, because somehow my brother presence means a lot to him; whether my brother realize or not. this series of an event made my brother realize that he should passed this on. you know, for saying thank you and show gratitude to someone. because the effect is just remarkable, either for himself and for another person. it’s like you receive a surprise package in front of your house after a long boring day. a package of contentment.

and somehow the universe knows that you’re actually longing for something (and probably someone).

at the time i wrote this, i couldn’t sleep. i do wonder why because i don’t consume any coffee that day and work went well. but probably there’s still this acids and bitter left behind. so my body turn into auto pilot of makes-self-exhausted-so-you-can-rest mode.

a simple message came in the middle of the night.
a message that i actually longing from days ago (an unnecessary longing though). although days ago i already pat myself i should be stronger and shouldn’t have high hopes up, the message just suddenly it came. in the middle of night, during the time i count my happiness.

the message was nothing special. but within the message i know, that someone was actually thinking about me, and he/she want to sacrifice seconds of his/her time to interact with me; of all hundreds contacts he/she has in their phone and digital accounts. 

in the world full mess and chaos of data, of the limited words in the media that is always too little, too awkward to convey things. there is someone that actually thinking about you.

and magically, swiftly, all the acids and bitter are gone. 

#13 October is for sadness

© silenceffects

© silenceffects

that month is so exhausting that I probably going to remember it as the worst month of the year, but honestly though, nothing big actually happened that month.

it’s just a form of my own desperation and solitude that turns into loneliness, a stacks from months back, that somehow erupted in a tenth month of the year. October looks like a vacuum space, that you’re in space floating with vacant space around you, alone, lonely, and silent. everything was alive, but you know that inside you are not

another form of myself, something in the back of my head is something that scares me. it’s never my surroundings, it’s always myself and the other.

someone that probably didn’t exist but he’s actually lives there in your head. make your brain turns into a high speed machine without filter that telling you and absorbs to everything.

there’s a time difference between something in your head and your world that rotates around you. the other caught in time but time moves on, i move on. the world diminishes around you but he stuck in the center. it’s neither the future or past, neither the current perhaps.

but,

he’s just there.
he’s just there.

#12 counted numbers

© sander kuypers

 

few weeks ago my friend and I chatted and we started to count.
count our age, count our money, count years we spent to learn, count our future. we sheepishly laughed at the last one though, because, we knew that we couldn’t count our future by numbers although we did try to count that few years back.

when we just graduated, we actually did that (counted our future). like, in two years i want to be work in there, doing here, doing this in three years, settle a relationship in four years, be awesome like her/him in five years, work with them in six years, have a salary with this number in eight years.

But in fact, when we stepped into the society jungle all that numbers seems not that important anymore. (well probably for me)

it’s not about importance actually, but probably, sort of, the cliche quote of — ‘life doesn’t always go as planned’, and, (i just found about this in tumblr), “it wasn’t about preparation. It was about jumping in and making mistakes and learning”

yes. two years back, my ego was so, so big and i thought i had prepared enough. but when i entered a boarding room to the world and society, i only brought a small backpack while everyone had their own big luggage full of experiences.

but everything happens for a reason don’t you think?

so i am now slowly gathered pennies from little things i brought on my backpack, so i can buy another cabin luggage to store my experiences.

 

it is a slow journey i have to admit.

 

our conversation goes on to ‘being hard’. we came up with this question, how hard are you to yourself?

for me, i am not that hard for myself (no wonder it’s a slow journey). i just, let everything happens. i make this plan but i am not that ambitious i must say. if somethings step in the way i try to take a peek on it and walk few steps in curiousity.

curiosity kills the cat, they said. and i probably have lost some of my 9 lives.

i dream big but i walk in small steps. sure it is still not balance enough. i tried to track my role model ways of work and have a conversation with my seniors (and their respected person), and most of them are simply ‘doing what they have to do’.

i mean, i, as an inexperience designer and employee, i tried hard to please everyone around me. like, i want them to see that i am actually useful for the team and will not let them down. but slowly, as the process goes on, i realized that i focused on that too hard (to please), so i tend to forgot what exactly i am to do and what i have to do.

 

i am a designer.
i solve problems in creative way.
i make sure that everything is going to be visually good AND conceptually great. from the concept to the execution. a hundred and ten percent of effort.
and i tend to forget about it, at the time when i am in the process of doing of what i called ‘designing’.
this actually strikes me hard recently after i had conversation with my senior.

 

human is common for the mistakes they’ve made. but there’s always space for learn and start anew. i probably need to count the numbers of hours and trial errors i’ve spent for doing what i have/need to do.

there’s always a time that actually numbers isn’t that important. (been there done that, but i don’t want to talk about it, at least for now). especially when universe is interfer your plan, so you have to press reset button even if you don’t want to. and the numbers you’ve collected are gone.

but it is not like you start fresh like a newborn baby. the analogy is the same as when you’re driving, when you reach 9999 and start as 0000 again. you’ve leveled up. you just store the 9999 missing numbers in your memories and use it as your upgraded gear, to begin your journey again.

 

numbers are infinite, and so does dream.

 

#11 red strings

 

it is almost half journey of 2014 and i already received some of pleasant surprises. both news are related to somewhat familiar yet strange (in my tongue) called love.

two of my bestfriends are getting married this year, and a day before i just talked with my other friend about this subject too (specifically, in relationship).

 

what is it exactly though?

love or a bound or ‘relationship’.

 

i actually have no idea.

 

my latest kind of ‘relationship’ was about six years ago.
he was someone that i really wanted, he was someone that i chanted everyday in my prayer. good at music, good at sport, he likes kids, he’s way older than me, good looking, etc.
by visual and outer appearance (and by my specification) he was perfect. i got what i want and i knew at that time i will be happy.

but it didn’t work out.

at that time (when we broke up), i knew that i shouldn’t choose someone by a check lists that i made.

to know that i’ll be happy if someone has these specifications is somewhat stupid.

 

there must be something that is ‘love’ aside these, aren’t they ?

 

there’s also this summer fling boy.

we were that kind of best friends who have the same dreams. we were so naive we could do this and that together. at that time, we thought we both could make it. but in the end we didn’t.

our dreams are bigger than our ‘love’. so we, slowly, drifted apart.

we never meet again and never contact at each other. that was just a past. and dreams are more important than anything.

yes it is.

 

 

come to think of it, i never have that pleasants feeling or story about love. it always have this sort of ‘we can’t do this further let’s just end this’ or ‘we’re still young. we can do many things, but not when we are together.’ (also: a delusional feelings for a certain korean pop member who didn’t even know I exist)

 

and i wonder what if someday i will meet this thing again, what kind of ending i’ll get?

 

i had a talk with my best friend yesterday about her relationship with her boyfriend that is more mature and visioner, that, slowly his habit made her ‘afraid’ for continuing the relationship further to marriage. (‘i haven’t prepare enough’)

yet on the other hand, my best friend just decided to get married after months of relationship, simply because she knew he’s the one.

 

two things with same main core, that is, love.

 

when they talked to me i actually have no idea how to respond, because i don’t know the answer? i never be in their foot. heck. it’s been a long time since i know that love feeling. so i just nods my head and said ‘everything happens for a reason la, it will be alright’.

then my friend replied, ‘don’t worry, i don’t ask for suggestions. because everyone has their own and different story than others. trust me, someday you’ll know.’

 

ah.

different story,

i see.

 

my stories mostly begin with selfishness and naive.

they are all end with unhappy and broken hearted.

 

i wonder what kind of person that i’ll meet ?
will it start with selfishness again like before or not?
will i be brave enough to say ‘hey, i’m in love with you’ and continue further to ‘i do’ ?

 

and most important thing,
can i shove aside my dreams for love ?

 

 

#10 i am a blank

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This past weeks has been sad lately. I was occupied by the Sewol news, in which it is so, so heartbreaking.
To know that the victims were so young and they seemed like so frightened, afraid to not being rescued, to get left behind, and to facing death.
It is either to die slowly with water filled your lungs while waiting for 1% of hope (and watch your friends dying slowly) or end your life in faster way.
This thought is so evil. But I can’t let go of this thoughts.
What does it feels tho to have an events like that? What should I do if I encounter that?

There is one time that I have this sudden heart attack while I was sleeping.
It is actually not an heart attack but more likely the gas and acid that filled my stomach comes up to my chest, so I had trouble to breath and my heart beat so fast like it’s going to explode. I was so so afraid at that time. I seriously thought I am going to die. I keep chanting God’s words and prayer and cries myself to sleep. (Idk if this was stupid thing or not but I tweeted at that time so if I was going to die, I don’t feel so alone, it is less terrifying. At least for me.)

But to facing death, to facing the uncertainty of ‘am I going to die? Am I going to live?’ Is much more terrifying.
The uncretainty itself.

When I had that attack, what comes first in my mind are, ‘I am still young i will have my work interview next week I haven’t see the world enough I haven’t get married and see my future children I haven’t do this I haven’t do that I, I, I, me, me me, me, so full of myself and only me.

Myself, human, is so egoist don’t you think.

I think with world’s time, and I tend to forget that there is Someone who had different time universe than me. God can turn you off in no time. He didn’t need your excuse, he didn’t need the I’s and Me’s. Also, to know that you’ll die alone is somewhat terrifying don’t you think.

Maybe, maybe,
The world is cruel enough so He took them back. He wants everyone to see that He is capable to turned off those hundreds of live in no time. With a twist, that is to let us watching them dead slowly, so we fill with regret. So we will lose and peel off our mask of inhumanity.

So we ended up back being human again.