#10 i am a blank

This past weeks has been sad lately. I was occupied by the Sewol news, in which it is so, so heartbreaking.
To know that the victims were so young and they seemed like so frightened, afraid to not being rescued, to get left behind, and to facing death.
It is either to die slowly with water filled your lungs while waiting for 1% of hope (and watch your friends dying slowly) or end your life in faster way.
This thought is so evil. But I can’t let go of this thoughts.
What does it feels tho to have an events like that? What should I do if I encounter that?

There is one time that I have this sudden heart attack while I was sleeping.
It is actually not an heart attack but more likely the gas and acid that filled my stomach comes up to my chest, so I had trouble to breath and my heart beat so fast like it’s going to explode. I was so so afraid at that time. I seriously thought I am going to die. I keep chanting God’s words and prayer and cries myself to sleep. (Idk if this was stupid thing or not but I tweeted at that time so if I was going to die, I don’t feel so alone, it is less terrifying. At least for me.)

But to facing death, to facing the uncertainty of ‘am I going to die? Am I going to live?’ Is much more terrifying.
The uncretainty itself.

When I had that attack, what comes first in my mind are, ‘I am still young i will have my work interview next week I haven’t see the world enough I haven’t get married and see my future children I haven’t do this I haven’t do that I, I, I, me, me me, me, so full of myself and only me.

Myself, human, is so egoist don’t you think.

I think with world’s time, and I tend to forget that there is Someone who had different time universe than me. God can turn you off in no time. He didn’t need your excuse, he didn’t need the I’s and Me’s. Also, to know that you’ll die alone is somewhat terrifying don’t you think.

Maybe, maybe,
The world is cruel enough so He took them back. He wants everyone to see that He is capable to turned off those hundreds of live in no time. With a twist, that is to let us watching them dead slowly, so we fill with regret. So we will lose and peel off our mask of inhumanity.

So we ended up back being human again.