#12 counted numbers

by rememorari

© sander kuypers

 

few weeks ago my friend and I chatted and we started to count.
count our age, count our money, count years we spent to learn, count our future. we sheepishly laughed at the last one though, because, we knew that we couldn’t count our future by numbers although we did try to count that few years back.

when we just graduated, we actually did that (counted our future). like, in two years i want to be work in there, doing here, doing this in three years, settle a relationship in four years, be awesome like her/him in five years, work with them in six years, have a salary with this number in eight years.

But in fact, when we stepped into the society jungle all that numbers seems not that important anymore. (well probably for me)

it’s not about importance actually, but probably, sort of, the cliche quote of — ‘life doesn’t always go as planned’, and, (i just found about this in tumblr), “it wasn’t about preparation. It was about jumping in and making mistakes and learning”

yes. two years back, my ego was so, so big and i thought i had prepared enough. but when i entered a boarding room to the world and society, i only brought a small backpack while everyone had their own big luggage full of experiences.

but everything happens for a reason don’t you think?

so i am now slowly gathered pennies from little things i brought on my backpack, so i can buy another cabin luggage to store my experiences.

 

it is a slow journey i have to admit.

 

our conversation goes on to ‘being hard’. we came up with this question, how hard are you to yourself?

for me, i am not that hard for myself (no wonder it’s a slow journey). i just, let everything happens. i make this plan but i am not that ambitious i must say. if somethings step in the way i try to take a peek on it and walk few steps in curiousity.

curiosity kills the cat, they said. and i probably have lost some of my 9 lives.

i dream big but i walk in small steps. sure it is still not balance enough. i tried to track my role model ways of work and have a conversation with my seniors (and their respected person), and most of them are simply ‘doing what they have to do’.

i mean, i, as an inexperience designer and employee, i tried hard to please everyone around me. like, i want them to see that i am actually useful for the team and will not let them down. but slowly, as the process goes on, i realized that i focused on that too hard (to please), so i tend to forgot what exactly i am to do and what i have to do.

 

i am a designer.
i solve problems in creative way.
i make sure that everything is going to be visually good AND conceptually great. from the concept to the execution. a hundred and ten percent of effort.
and i tend to forget about it, at the time when i am in the process of doing of what i called ‘designing’.
this actually strikes me hard recently after i had conversation with my senior.

 

human is common for the mistakes they’ve made. but there’s always space for learn and start anew. i probably need to count the numbers of hours and trial errors i’ve spent for doing what i have/need to do.

there’s always a time that actually numbers isn’t that important. (been there done that, but i don’t want to talk about it, at least for now). especially when universe is interfer your plan, so you have to press reset button even if you don’t want to. and the numbers you’ve collected are gone.

but it is not like you start fresh like a newborn baby. the analogy is the same as when you’re driving, when you reach 9999 and start as 0000 again. you’ve leveled up. you just store the 9999 missing numbers in your memories and use it as your upgraded gear, to begin your journey again.

 

numbers are infinite, and so does dream.